The Art of Taking Feedback: Evolving from Emotion to Growth
Feedback is one of the most valuable tools for personal and professional growth.
Yet, it is often misunderstood, resisted, or even feared. The way we perceive and process feedback evolves with experience and maturity, and this evolution is a hallmark of effective leadership. The journey from reacting emotionally to feedback to embracing it as an opportunity for growth reflects a deepening self-awareness and a taming of the ego.
This is a topic close to my heart, as I’ve been told by several people throughout my career that I have a strong ability to handle tough feedback. It wasn’t always easy, but over time, I’ve learned to take even the most unfiltered criticism without letting it dent my confidence or trigger my defenses. On the other hand, I’ve also struggled—sometimes deeply—with delivering feedback to others, even when my sole intention was to help them grow. Based on these experiences, I’ve put together this article summarizing my thinking process and advice for feedback giving and taking.
Also, one thing I have learned is that giving feedback to someone unable or unready to receive it is as painful for the one giving it than it is for the one receiving it.
Why Feedback Can Feel So Difficult
Receiving feedback can feel unnatural or challenging for many reasons, but most of them can be grouped into three core buckets:
1. Feedback Challenges Self-Identity
Feedback often conflicts with how we see ourselves or the identity we’ve built. For example:
“I’m a great project manager”: Feedback suggesting missed deadlines or unclear communication can feel like an attack on competence.
“I’m an amazing cook”: A critique of a dish may feel like a rejection of your passion or skill.
“I’m one of the best videographers”: A suggestion to improve editing or creative direction may seem like a challenge to your artistic talent.
Our self-identity is tied to our confidence and sense of worth. When feedback highlights flaws in areas where we derive pride, it can create dissonance, making it hard to separate the critique of a skill or behavior from an attack on who we are.
How to Overcome It:
Separate Actions from Identity: Feedback targets specific behaviors or outcomes, not your worth as a person.
Reframe Your Mindset: Replace fixed labels like “I’m the best” with growth-oriented ones like “I’m learning to be better.”
See It as Refinement: Feedback doesn’t erase your strengths; it enhances them by showing where you can improve.
2. Feedback Triggers Emotional Defense Mechanisms
Feedback can evoke strong emotional reactions, such as fear, shame, or frustration, which make it difficult to process constructively. Some common emotional triggers include:
Fear of Rejection: Feedback might be perceived as judgment, making us worry about losing respect or credibility.
Ego Defense: The ego interprets feedback as a threat, responding with defensiveness or denial.
Past Trauma: Negative experiences, like public humiliation or unfair criticism, can create a strong aversion to feedback.
Feedback can feel like a threat to emotional safety, especially when it triggers memories of past failures or inadequacies.
How to Overcome It:
Pause Before Reacting: Take a deep breath and give yourself time to process the feedback.
Ask Questions: Shift from defending yourself to understanding the feedback. Curiosity can help neutralize emotional reactions.
Remind Yourself It’s Not Personal: Feedback is about actions, not your worth. It’s meant to help, not harm.
3. Feedback Challenges Perception of Reality
Feedback forces us to confront multiple perspectives, which can conflict with our internal reality. Challenges include:
Bias in Interpretation: Our brains distort feedback to align with what we want to hear rather than what we need to hear.
Single-Perspective Trap: Feedback from one person may feel absolute, but it’s just one viewpoint.
Fear of Losing Motivation: Senior managers or colleagues may offer overly positive feedback to keep you motivated, prioritizing morale over your growth. While this feels good in the moment, it can mask areas needing improvement.
How to Overcome It:
Seek Multiple Perspectives: Balance feedback from one person with input from others to get a fuller picture.
Be Open to Critique, Not Flattery: Surround yourself with people who tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear.
Focus on the Facts: Strip away tone or delivery and focus on the substance of the feedback.
Feedback Perception: The Role of the Brain and Communication Channels
Beyond identity and emotions, feedback is also shaped by perception, especially through different communication channels. An email critiquing a project might be read as harsher than intended because it lacks tone, body language, and facial expressions. Similarly, a brief WhatsApp message offering constructive feedback can feel abrupt or dismissive.
Even video conferences, while more interactive, can fall short due to distractions or poor visual quality. Without in-person cues, our brains may fill in gaps, often inserting assumptions that don’t align with the sender’s intent.
How to Manage It:
1. When Receiving Feedback: Be mindful of how you interpret the message. If it feels unclear, ask for clarification.
2. When Giving Feedback: Deliver feedback in person or via video when possible, where tone and body language can help convey intent. For text-based feedback, take extra care to add context and reduce ambiguity.
Feedback is Love: Surround Yourself with Honest People
Feedback is often a sign that someone cares enough to invest in your growth. People who don’t care about you are less likely to give feedback—they may stop entirely or only tell you what they think you want to hear. This is why feedback, even when it stings, should be seen as an act of care and respect.
Sometimes, feedback from those we appreciate the most can hurt the most. But remember, these individuals have no obligation to offer you feedback. They do so because they believe in your potential.
The Danger of No Feedback:
If you’re surrounded by people who sugarcoat everything or stop giving you feedback altogether, it’s time to reflect. Are you seeking out feedback from people who genuinely care about your growth? Worse, are people withholding feedback they feel you need to hear?
To grow, prioritize relationships with people who challenge you. Encourage them to give honest feedback—even if it’s uncomfortable.
Two Ways to Learn: The Hard Way or the Curious Way
When it comes to personal growth, there are two ways to learn:
1. The Hard Way: Learning through mistakes, failures, or setbacks when you assume you already know everything.
2. The Curious Way: Actively seeking feedback, listening to others, and admitting what you don’t know.
The hard way teaches unforgettable lessons, but the curious way is more efficient and less painful. By taming your ego and approaching feedback with curiosity, you can grow faster and more effectively.
Recognizing Perspectives: The Reality of Feedback
Feedback is inherently subjective—it reflects the perspective of the person giving it. That doesn’t mean it’s right or wrong. To understand reality, you need multiple perspectives.
How to Manage It:
Seek Additional Input: One person’s feedback may highlight one aspect of reality, but multiple viewpoints can give you a clearer, fuller picture.
Compare Patterns: Look for recurring themes in feedback. If multiple people mention the same area for improvement, it’s likely worth focusing on.
The Bottom Line
Feedback is one of the most powerful tools for growth, but it’s also one of the most challenging. It challenges your identity, emotions, and perceptions of reality. By recognizing these challenges and addressing them with curiosity, humility, and gratitude, feedback becomes a transformative tool.
Next time you receive feedback, pause, reflect, and embrace it. Growth doesn’t happen when you’re comfortable—it happens when you’re challenged. Seek out honest perspectives, focus on the substance, and use feedback to become the best version of yourself.
